A Reading from the Holy Gospel According to Douche

The Holy Grail. The Ark of the Covenant. The Fountain of Youth. El Dorado.

Famous explorers like Indiana Jones have tirelessly searched for these legendary items for ages, to no avail.

I think we should put an end to these pursuits, though, because mankind, with the help of Snap, Crackle, and Pop’s Creole uncle, Tony Chachere, has already discovered something much, much greater.

Tony Chachere’s Creole Seasoning.

This shit is so good, it literally shits inside of the Holy Grail. Fuck the Ark of the Covenant, too. This seasoning is promise enough that God loves His children and wants them to eat delicious tasting food whenever they please.

What makes it so good, you ask? What makes it “taste great on everything?” All you have to do is look at the container. And not the ingredients list. No, you only need look at the front: Mr. Chachere is clearly throwing a sparkly white substance into his food.

And that sparkly substance is crack. Pure, white rocks of crack cocaine.

And just like a crack addict, I would kill a man if he came between me and my Tony Chachere’s seasoning. Wait, would? Excuse me. HAVE. I HAVE killed a man for this stuff. Some straight-edge motherfucker at Tom Thumb buying the last batch, saying he’s never tried it and hoping it makes his pork chops tastier.

BITCH, LEAVE THIS SHIT TO PROFESSIONALS. IF YOU’RE NOT DISSOLVING IT IN WATER AND MAINLINING IT EVERY TWO TO THREE HOURS, THEN GET YOUR PUSSY ASS OUT OF MY WAY.